There are moments where I can’t believe what is happening. Some days I fell like I am just having a bad dream. I think psychologist would call it ‘denial phase’?!
It has been now a month since we cut connections with everyone. We go out for grocery and for a walk every 2 days, maximum around the block.
Sometime I do not even know what day is it. Some days I do not want to stand up, some days I do not want to go to bed.
Luckily we are all healthy and safe home, unfortunately I have a step back on my mental health. In March I agreed with my therapist to have sessions every 3 weeks since things were going fine.. last week I had to schedule an extra session because I was having anger and panic attacks. I went straight to 2 months ago when things were really bad. I am surprise of how things can change so quickly and how I did not see this coming.
- 1st week: We stay home, it’s the safest approach and we will manage
- 2st week: It’s tiring and stressfull but I get to spend more time with my son..and I am actually learning a lot of him
- 3rd week: I can’t take it anymore and booooooom
- 4th week: I am exhausted, I want to jump out of the window
It’s not every day, every hour so bad. There are days when Enea behaves properly for 10 hours and then he just get crazy fro 20 minutes. Those 20 minutes sometimes ruins my entire good mood.
I totally understand that it’s not easy for him as well, I get it. But he is in a phase where he can’t (or won’t) stop screaming, kicking and biting. There are days he screams constantly for hours. And he is just too small to understand what is going on.
As mentioned in a previous post, my husband and I are still working therefore there are days where we both can’t take care of him. We are anyway trying (and not succeeding all the time) to have some shifts but our little thunderstorms doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. He requires our attention constantly. We tried all sort of crafting activity, music and puzzles but he does not like to play alone and, even with company, he stops paying attention after 10 mins.
I do not see an end to these dark moments and I am trying to cheer myself as much as possible with everything that makes me happy (cooking, eating, again eating, woodworking, movies and books) but I am just too tired sometimes and it takes just a moment to feel down again. Let me repeat: I do have moments of joy and I am trying as much as possible to reach for those moments. Yesterday I needed to feel good so I put on makeup and dressed up. Sometimes little things can have big effects.
I think a lot about all the people without kids. I know this situation is badly affecting everyone so even without little humans around, there is a feeling of uncertainty, loneliness and frustration. I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done being locked at home. Most probably I would have finished my balcony project (build new fornitures), started playing ‘The Sims’ again (maybe for hours?!), watched more TV, done more workouts, taken online painting classes and definitely drinking more (not that I am not drinking now!). Internet made everything accessible so now you have time to try that class you were talking about. There’s literally any sort of class/event/meeting online! Anything! All those indoor project you were postponing: now you have time! This could be an important moment to evaluate what your priorities are.
By now you should know me a bit and you should know I have tons of ideas and projects but not much time (or at least this is what I think it’s stopping me).
Some days ago I read on an article that Justin Timberlake said ’24-hour parenting is just not human’. Well maybe he used some harsh words but, as parents, we are all in the same boat, with or without money so he is totally entitled to express his feelings exactly in the same way I am doing with this post. Being parents is a wonderful experience but exhausting and during this pandemic things are not getting easy for us.
I talked to other parents and mostly them (or all of them?!) are tires as I am. I do not have any comforting word, sorry. I just feel quite down and mostly disappointed that my mental condition has worsened. In this time of uncertainty I feel like I also do not have control over my own things.
I just needed to share how feel these days. I do not want people to thing I am doing just fine checking some of my cooking pictures, I am just trying to feed myself with good vibes and happy moments but not having success each time.
Just remember: it’s ok to feel bad sometimes.
To all the parents out there: keep it strong.
To everyone reading this: stay home and stay safe.